Gary was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"but in just a few short years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks home.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

... It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks home

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students..
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office....
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade
and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9..."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum...."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.........

A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little "ticked off" so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chick.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a calf.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a piglet.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week.
"I saw you kick the piglet, so you don't get any bacon for a week, either.
"I saw you kick the calf, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him or shall I?"

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says...
"I wonder how the girls are getting on"

They always ask at the doctor's reception desk why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others. Sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick" he replied...
The receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.
The man replied, "well you shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful
of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone".
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'"
He replied; "I can't piss out of it."

A Punjabi Indian from Surrey dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .
"I am here for Jesus! ", says the Punjabi ....
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have
a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if
she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the
lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his
professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. WhileDoing so he
asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came
here in the first place.'

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to
speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the fucking goalie'

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that
cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in
a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit"

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.
.How are you going to travel on a single ticket?. asked a lawyer.
.Wait and watch,. answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked, .Ticket please.. The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didn.t buy any. .How are you going to travel
without a ticket?. asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
.Wait and watch,. answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out
of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, .Ticket, please.

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a
terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the A&E and
says he’s heard his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is
handling the case, and they page the doctor. Dr. Smith comes to the
waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. “Mr Jones?” the doctor
asks. “Yes, what’s happened? How is my wife?”. The doctor sits next to
him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two
fractures of her spine.” “Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her
prognosis?”. Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.
However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or
capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to
sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia.” Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “And, of course,”
the doctor continued, “she’ll have no control over her bladder so she
must be changed at least five times a day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake
as he cries, sobs and wails. The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to
clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her
bowels. You must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the
putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.” Now Mr. Jones is convulsing,
sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a
sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats
Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just kidding you, she’s dead.”

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Taiwan-
Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was
obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the
Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese." The F.O. replied,
"Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?" The Captain said, "You
bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." The F.O. said,
"Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE,
not Chinese." And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike." Another 30 minutes of
silence. Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew." The Captain replied,
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain
tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an
iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young
nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your
face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your
face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she
marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his
pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the
pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing iswrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results
back?"

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about
cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich
begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit
blue, shakes her head "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the
back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the
back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent
spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't
never seen nobody do it.

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the
conversation......
Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going
to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has
been nominated for best email of 1999.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East
Economic Review.....
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. Anson toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July son toes?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what' judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."